The Girl Who Ate Everything

I guess I only have myself to be mad at.

I can’t help but get annoyed by my mum and brother when I come home from NYC after finally finishing my teacher’s website, CorinneTrang.com, rather glad that I managed to not drift off my diet and wander into the nearby Sullivan Street Bakery, and find foodstuffs from the great supermarket of many wheat-based delights that is Wegmans. They had gone to Minado for lunch, so I guess it was good that I wasn’t at home or else I wouldn’t have gone and would’ve just felt more miserable being at home, not stuffing myself at a buffet.

My brother bought chips, some weird cake and another nice looking chocolate cake from the patisserie and my mum bought a baguette. I had just read a whole chapter about bread and baguettes from France in It Must’ve Been Something I Ate shortly after deciding that I had to cut out grains from my diet, if just for a while (currently on day three). I was a bit annoyed by my mum’s bread purchase because we had recently talked about how wheat is very processed and is probably not such a great grain product to eat, resulting in my mum buying oats.

My mum and brother can basically eat whatever they want. They’re fairly slim and don’t have many health problems. They don’t exercise much but I guess they don’t eat too much either. I, on the other hand, have always been the sick, slightly overweight child. Lucky me. In a sense I’m not all that unhealthy, but then I have mucus filled lungs. Dammit.

The prospect of ridding myself of asthma, if just partially so, is what’s keeping me from eating tons of crap, besides hoping to lose a few pounds. On the third day of my diet that I made up, neither seems to be happening. I guess it takes a while though and I figure after three days, I’ll be pretty used to it. Here’s what I ate over the course of today:

• three navel oranges
• a few ounces of raisins (1-2?)
• 3-4 ounces of honey
• lots of water

I hope that doesn’t constitute as OVEREATING, nor is it drastically unhealthy. Not like I only ate honey all day and I certainly didn’t fast. From my experience, fasting will make me feel too woozy. I would’ve eaten more if I didn’t think I’d explode from all the liquid. I have to say, it is nice to not feel like puking from eating too much (although I had to pee a LOT).

I’m annoyed with myself, as I should count my blessings instead of looking at the bad things: I have working limbs and organs in general and I will never go hungry. But it’s too much food and I’ve had asthma my whole life and it’s really annoying and I can’t make it go away. And I don’t think I’ll ever come to grips with gaining so much weight after having “successfully” lost so much.

And I hate that my family can indulge in nice food, but whatever. It’s my fault for being bothered by that.

Actually, it’s my fault for being alive. What bothers me about being alive is that I didn’t ask for it. Of course, no one asks to be born and it’s ridiculous that I even complain about life despite having such an easy one. I’ve had few hardships in my life, or perhaps none. I just like to complain, I guess.

Yup.

…I don’t plan on having kids. Sure, a lot of people say that, but I feel like it’d be selfish. Besides that, I wouldn’t be able to provide correct parental guidance anyway.

I seem to lack basic human instincts, such as reproduction, hunger for normal food (eating is all mental to me), the desire to do things with other people, an affinity towards green things in nature, the need to get off my bum and walk around. What’s wrong with me? I mean, besides that I’m somewhat insane (although people have told me that I should stay that way; it makes me who I am, which is super).

God, food depression makes me think of a bunch of weird things. Lovely. Food is basically the only thing that makes me depressed, at least for the past few years. Other things made me depressed beforehand. There’s always something.