The Girl Who Ate Everything

Do you know what it's like to feel empty and full at the same time? I can't explain it very well but it's like there's a sensor in my body that knows I'm full and it attempts to stop me from eating more, but it doesn't work and a few minutes later I'll feel fine anyway. But I guess it goes beyond having a satiated stomach; something else is missing and I don't know what.

Today I felt continually unsatisfied until I decided to dip a spoonful of raw honey into raw sesame seeds and eat that a few times. Mmm. Fat and sugar, that's all it is. In a sense, it's no different from any kind of dessert most people eat. But...

...holy crap, it's happening again--my room smells like dumplings! Meat dumplings this time, since my brother is making them. (sigh) This happened earlier today but they were vegetable dumplings since my mum was making them.

Here's what I ate today (hopefully, I won't eat any more):

• 3 navel oranges
• 2 red delicious apples
• 2-3 tablespoons of raw sesame seeds (I'm couting raw tahini, of which I found a jar of lurking in the fridge)
• 1-2 ounces of raw honey
• 1 stalk of broccoli w/extra virgin olive oil and soy sauce

Not really unhealthy, I'd hope. I got vegetables in there, some fruits, some fat, and my daily dose of sugar. Do I have any idea how many calories or grams of various nutrients I got? Not a clue. Oh well.

Yesterday I read a blog entry about How to Lose 50 Pounds. If I lose 50 pounds I'd be dead (probably skinned as well) but I looked at this and thought it probably wouldn't work for me. I'm sure that over the past week my fat intake averaged out to much less than 20 grams a day. Then again, I have yet to employ any kind of exercise routine. I took a walk this morning but it was so mindnumbingly boring (5 minutes felt more like 15), I don't see myself doing it again any time soon. Tun sky was much too clear with overly fluffy clouds; I had to get out.

If I have to eat at least 30 grams of fiber, I'd see that as reason to eat more than 30. That's easy; eat shitloads of fruit. I guess I'd explode at some point but using numbers as the guidelines would probably screw me over.

I've been thinking about my patterns of hunger. Or..."hunger", as I can't really identify it. When I'm at home (such as most of the past week), I tend to want to eat more. When I'm at my teacher's apartment, I don't want to bother her with food so I tell her that i'm fine and not hungry, because I'm probably not hungry. When I'm at home I'm not really hungry either but there isn't much else to do. (Visit my house and you'll see what I mean.) I take up most of my time by doing website stuff so I'm not exactly a couch potato, but I'm a computer drone (who gets into web design brain blocks innumerable times a day) and that's not much better. I suppose I use a smidgen more brain cells. That probably means i'll just burn out faster.

A few years ago when I went to Mexico with a friend, I was on the raw food diet and didn't intend to change my ways. And I didn't. I also lost a few pounds that week due to eating mainly fresh fruit and avocados (The avocados in Mexico tasted a lot better than the ones here, although I don't remember how...sweeter or something?). Since I wasn't with my family, I didn't dare complain about not stuffing myself with food and that was nice. I was satisfied with what I ate but I knew I could have eaten more. I guess when I'm around my family I'm more quick to complain about not having a certain food or wanting something else or just being annoying overall because I HAVE TO SMELL ALL THE DUMPLINGS THAT GET COOKED IN THIS HOUSE.

So I guess if I lived with another family for a few months I'd be much better off trying to follow my diet. I'd be much less annoying, at least, and I'd feel restricted enough to actually follow my diet. I still haven't eaten any grain (my brother asked if I wanted dumplings--yeah, he's totally clueless, I don't get it) but I've thought about it. And then I'd cough and wheeze and that would be the end of it.

This diet has made me very cranky, that much is true. It's not because of what I eat but because of what I don't eat.

I told my mum that there isn't much for me to look forward to each day when there's no prospect of eating something I really enjoy. She replied with the idea that my life was empty and there was nothing inside of me to drive me in any direction. Or something. I didn't really know what she was talking about. Obviously, I do like to do things besides eat (you don't want to know how much time I spent today looking up various web development and css related things, although I don't remember the time anyway) but web development is a solitary activity for me and it's...um, I sit in front of a computer for hours. Alright. Eating would cause me to do things with other people or actually go out.

...but this is for my health. It's not so much for my weight, although I was sad to see that it has stayed the same for two days. I definitely ate too much today, but eh. I'd love for my weight to go down, figuring that my asthma would get better also.

Always hungry...