The Girl Who Ate Everything

As you can see, I haven't updated this blog in a while. I felt like it's been much longer than it's actually been, but...it's been rocky. First off, thanks for the comments; I had no idea other people besides Amy and Lee Anne read this blog. ;)

You wouldn't know what's been going on lately unless you've read my LJ, which you haven't because then you'd think I'm insane. Unless you really love me or something. Anyway, what's been going on is that I've been banning all the foods I shouldn't be eating, which means no wheat or rice (that's been going on for nearly two months). However, I decided to ease on that a bit, so instead I'd ban bread, things made of bread, things wrapped in bread/similar things, cake (no matter what it's made of), cookies (ditto) and...those things. Basically, I had to cut out pastries because I was eating too many. It's not that I shouldn't eat wheat as pastries can be made out of non-wheat ingredients. It's the food that was "bad" for me, not the ingredients so much...

I didn't work that last paragraph well. Erm. Last weekend I freaked out after overeating some chocolate bars so I banned chocolate. I'm lifting that ban a week later, BUT I've employed a new rule that says I can eat cooked food on the weekends and eating largely raw food on the weekdays. Largely raw means...well, nothing cooked, but I've been eating raw honey and raw granola from LifeThyme (on 6th Ave near 8th St; I LOVE THAT PLACE) which don't necessarily count as "raw" but aren't cooked either. They're in between. I'm also eating fruit. Basically, I'm semi-reverting to being a raw foodist but it's not that hard.

I'm very concerned about my weight, moreso than I should be, but it's important to me. I can't be fat/overweight and happy. For a while I thought it would be a fun idea to just live on honey...it didn't last that long but I did lose some weight and it made me happy. Yes, I'm used to eating honey straight out of the jar with a spoon. Don't ask me why I haven't gotten pancreatic failure yet; I appear to tolerate sugar better than most people. Also, it's raw sugar, which I'd like to believe is different from other kinds.

Oh, one day I "lost it" and started eating organic cane sugar out of the bag with a spoon. I threw out the bag not long afterwards because I knew if I didn't I'd eat it all. That's what I mean by lack of self control. I can keep myself from eating, say, RICE, but if I allow myself to do something like EAT PLAIN SUGAR (which is better than eating candy, eh?) then things go ...badly.

Actually, I "lost it" on many days but I've forgotten what happened. There was much depression though, the very hopeless I-want-to-die type depression. I feel okay right now but my food-moods can drastically change over the course of one day. Hell, the course of a few hours.

I wrote a long entry at roboppy.net about fooding, so I'll shove that in here. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with food but...I dunno. Maybe it's looking up. I associate food with guilt and if all goes well, I won't be a nutcase by the time Monday comes as I plan to "let go" this weekend. Just a bit. No bread! But maybe something with flour in it.

Another thing: I still feel like I need to change my major from food studies to...well, something else (more on that and the end of this entry). Even though I have this weird food fixation I just can't...study it. I think it'll drive me insane. I did alright in my first semester but I've been somewhat of a mental nutcase for the past few weeks to the point that I feel like changing my major. For those who don't know, I already transferred from another school and I'm currently a sophomore. Methinks I won't be graduating any time soon...

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I've spent hours today on the Internet looking at websites related to food. There's a weird obsession here, obviously. Strangely enough, I don't feel depressed. I think I'd like to eat a lot of this stuff but I'm equally fascinated reading about it. Does that make any sense? Similar to how I love looking at cookbooks, I love reading food blogs, especially when they have photos. But do I get the desire to try the recipes or visit the restaurants people talk about? Sometimes I do want to visit the restaurants (Momofuku, via Amateur Gourmet) but in many cases the food I want to eat is "banned" anyway. I'm interested in going to Teany tomorrow (er, today) even though I don't necessarily like tea. I thought about it and last month I think I drank (well, ordered/bought) two non-water beverage -- a milkshake and hot cocoa (a lot of hot cocoa). I don't recall drinking anything adventurous in January (I did make my own hot white chocolate though...damn, that counts) so I'm averaging a few non-water beverages a month this year. I really don't care much for drinks except hot chocolate, of which I'm definitely getting this month, but if I get hot chocolate it better be damn good hot chocolate.

...anyway. I'm not sure what I mean to say besides that my obsession with food is really weird. I think it'll be much healthier for me to not major in food studies. I don't mind reading about it or looking at it but having to eat it would be ...not so good. It's nice thinking that all these great places exist in NYC, but I don't feel the necessity to try them all. First off, it's expensive (the food at Teany looks expensive but I have yet to hear anything bad about the taste. Reviews for the desserts have been overwhelmingly positive -- it's a good thing I cut out desserts. However, I haven't cut out candy, which I consider more of a snack. ...but I cut out snacky foods. Don't ask how I justify what I do or don't eat) and second, it's calorie health deathy...something. Actually, the second thing is more important.

I'm wondering how many calories I ate today but I don't really know besides that the 1 lb jar of kim chi (ie, 16 ounces of delicious spiced cabbage) was 160 calories (?! I guess veggies, spices, and whatever else is in there doesn't add to much but it's a filling, cheap dinner). I also ate 2.5 ounces of the raw granola, a few tablespoons of honey, an orange, and two persimmons. I dunno if that's a good day of eating. It could be worse. Oh, I also had half of a raw sardine. I went to Katagiri and they had a good selection of sushi/sashimi grade fish. I had tried a lot of them but I've never seen fresh sardines before. Anyway, they weren't like canned sardines; these were huge. Well, for a sardine. I personally love sardines (they're the only canned food I'd buy, although if I liked soup I guess I'd buy that too) even if they give me weird sardine breath.

Anyhoo (sidenote: this entry is much longer than I thought it would be, as in, I though I'd end after one paragraph), I met up with Diana in Times Square since she interns there and I was there because of Katagiri and lurking in Kinokuniya to pick up a present for Linda (oo you'll like it) and a magazine for my mum (this issue of TITLE, which has an amazing...really amazing section about chocolate). I also wanted a magazine about hairstyles but couldn't find any. Yeah, as much as I hate makeup/cosmetics (I don't have any. I do have a bar of soap though) I'm quite paranoid about hair. It's stupid. But it takes a while to grow and you wouldn't wanna be stuck with a crap hair cut. So I hadn't been to Times Square in a while and realized it's hella scary. Not in a "I'm going to pee my pants" way but the "Lights...everywhere...things...tourists...gerhhugi fdiuhierurg?" I've been to Times Square many times in my life and it was the only place I ventured into for ages, but it's a bizarre place. Diana and I (Diana being the first friend I've hung out with in seemingly AGES) went to a deli to eat our grub, which is where I tried the raw sardines. I assumed they were supposed to be eaten raw...I could've been wrong, but they tasted fine. Only problem was cutting into them with a plastic knife. Plastic knives don't cut backbones. Anyway, it tasted like raw fish, not that I was expecting anything else but different kinds of fish obviously differ in some ways. I don't know what to say about sardine yet besides that it tastes like raw fish. Maybe I'll cook one and see what that's like.

And now I'm back in my room, where I've been for hours staring at the food blogosphere. I haven't had chocolate in a week, which is by no means anything compared to the 1.5 years I went without chocolate before. Chocophile.com is pretty cool, although it can be hard to rate chocolate. I'd say it's easy to rate quality by ingredients (the less the merrier, in this case) but taste...well, my mum seems to like very subtle flavors but to me, if it's so subtle I may as well just eat plain chocolate. I like plain chocolate the most. There are lots of great chocolates infused with fruits, flowers or chili pepper (had one of those once; at first I didn't taste anything and a second later my throat was semi-burning) but in the end don't you just want plain chocolate? Yeah. I saw an 82% Lindt chocolate bar today and I really wanted. But...no! It's not the weekend! I can only eat that stuff on the weekend, if ever.

I'd also like to point out this blog: bread coffee chocolate yoga. Bread, coffee, chocolate...and yoga. Hey, if it works, why not? I don't like coffee and I've stopped eating bread (although I guess I can eat certain things with flour, but that depends) so chocolate is definitely my...thing. When I say that I mean...other people have beer or coffee and I have chocolate. ...yeah. Actually, my mum told me that just about everyone would be likely to obsess with alcohol, coffee, or chocolate because of a "bitterness" craving. I know a lot of people don't like bitter chocolate, although maybe they like coffee and alcohol. Anyway. Yup.

So things feel quite different than they did a week ago. I don't know why. My mum told me to stop stressing about food, to just eat stuff but not too much. I think maybe my stress will go away if I just admit that I really can't eat this stuff and there's no use in being sad over it. If something is worth eating, I'll want it so badly that I'll forgo any qualms about eating it. For instance, I want to try the sticky date pudding at an Australian restaurant in Nolita (Diana, this is where I want to take you! So I hope you're up to it Sunday afternoon...or rather, that I am also). Seeing as I will probably never go to Australia and I've never had sticky date pudding (which is more like cake; my classmates were describing it and it seems like no one has heard of cake-like pudding before) I would forget about the no-cake thing and try it. I'd have a salad for an entree though, despite that the restaurant is touted for amazing hamburgers (I don't like hamburgers enough to food-splurge like that).

As you know, my mood could change in an instant. I hope this lasts until next week, at least. I have a midterm for "conversations of the west" on Monday that I'm scared of but obviously not enough. I kind of don't care because I don't see how I can prepare that well unless I memorize the gazillion books I had to read.

I'm thinking of switching my major to communications with a concentration in graphic communications. At first, this sounded...not good. Advertising, marketing, ahh! Seeing as I stopped watching TV partially (or a lot-ly) due to commercials and I hate most ads (a new Calvin Klein one went up on Houston St and it basically makes me want to not buy Calvin Klein clothes...then again I wouldn't fit in them) it didn't sound like a good fit. But it's not like I have to go into the advertising industry. I can...I dunno. I can do something with it? That's number one on my list of future possibilities. )By the way, there's no number two, or three, or anything else.) My main concern with a new major is staying in school FOREVER...I know it's not forever but there's no way I'm going to graduate in 2007 at this rate. Not that I care. People who want to go to med school are much more screwed than I am.